60-year old bill, an old fart from Munhall, pounds beers in beautiful Yinzer unison with his closeted beer buddy, Bob, 56, from Lower Burrell. They hope to bring home Gold in this years Pittsburgh Yinzer Olympics 2024.
Ladies and gents, grab your Terrible Towels and get ready for the most spectacular sporting event to hit the Burgh—The Pittsburgh Yinzer Olympics! This highly anticipated event brings together the best and brightest Yinzers to compete in a series of uniquely Pittsburgh challenges. Here's a sneak peek at some of the top events you won't want to miss:
Yup. A bunch of fat jagoffs all in the pool slammin' down the ahrns. Nothing would make us Yinzers more proud then to see such a spectacle on the world stage.
1. Synchronized Beer Drinking
Forget synchronized swimming; this is the real deal. Teams chug down Iron City Beer in perfect harmony, aiming for both speed and style points. Bonus points are awarded for belching the Steelers' fight song.
Two Fat Pittsburgh Dudes Drinking Beer - Yes. We need Synchronized Beer Drinking as an Olympic Event. C'mon, Bill from Munhall. Have you no pride. You fat M'F'er.
2. The Mount Washington Bobsled
This thrilling event features contestants sledding down the steep slopes of Mount Washington. Competitors use makeshift bobsleds fashioned from Primanti Bros. sandwich trays and snow shovels. The winner is the one who reaches the bottom without losing their load—or their lunch.
Seriously, dudes.... Mt. Washington Bobsled? That would simply be awesome. The Yinzer Bobsled team would surely give the famous Jamaican Bobsled team a run for international fame. And, if there is not enough snow or ice... We can lube the chute with Kielbasa grease. Oh, boy... please no jokes on that statement please.
3. Pierogies Marathon
Endurance is key in this deliciously grueling race. Contestants must consume as many pierogies as possible while jogging a lap around the Strip District. Toppings range from traditional sauerkraut to the daring Primanti's coleslaw and fries combo. Watch out for the inevitable carbo-load crash!
Which Pierogi usually wins? We all win in this Pittsburgh Yinzer Olympic event.
4. Bourbon Tasting with The Big Red Sipper
Imagine the Olympics, but instead of track and field, we've got Yinzers demonstrating their prowess in bourbon appreciation. Points are awarded for "technique" (how gracefully you sip), "endurance" (how many pours you can handle), and "verbal dexterity" (your ability to keep up with the Big Red Sipper's banter without slurring). Extra points if you can weave a coherent story about your favorite Pittsburgh sports moment into the mix.
5. The Pittsburgh Pothole Hurdles
Welcome to the most "gritty" and "authentic" event of the Pittsburgh Yinzer Olympics: the Pittsburgh Pothole Hurdles! In a city famous for its unpredictable road conditions and character-building potholes, this event turns a common local nuisance into a thrilling athletic challenge.
Contestants, or should we say, brave souls, will navigate a specially designed obstacle course filled with Pittsburgh's finest potholes, each varying in size and depth. The course mimics a typical Pittsburgh street in mid-February, complete with water-filled craters and strategically placed loose asphalt.
Participants will demonstrate their agility and daring as they leap, dodge, and occasionally wade through the treacherous terrain. Points are awarded for speed, style, and the ability to maintain a straight face as they recount stories of past car repairs caused by the city's legendary potholes.
Ready. Set. Get ready for the "Hey, douche! You can't get there from here" Pittsburgh Pot hole hurdles race.
6. Shed The Trap Blocker
Ladies and gents, gird your loins and prepare for the most bone-crushing event of the Pittsburgh Yinzer Olympics: Shed the Trap Block! This event is a true test of grit, determination, and the sheer willpower to survive being steamrollered by a hulking behemoth of a Pittsburgh Steelers pulling right guard.
Contestants will face off against a human bulldozer—a pro or retired lineman known for their devastating blocks. The goal? To "shed" the block and avoid being pancaked into the turf. It's a high-stakes game of chicken, where courage meets brute force, and only the bravest Yinzers step up to the line.
Participants are judged on several criteria: their initial stance, technique, and the creativity they employ to evade the oncoming behemoth. Bonus points are awarded for flair—think dramatic dives, spins, or any move that resembles an actual football play rather than pure survival instinct.
Let's see who can shed a 300lb pulling right guard at Heinz Field? If you can, you deserve gold. If not, well, Allegheny General Hospital is a short flat cart ride away.
7. The Primanti Stacking Challenge
Participants are tasked with crafting the tallest, most stable Primanti Bros. sandwich stack. With layers of meat, coleslaw, fries, and bread, it’s a battle of balance and gluttony. The stack that stands tallest and tastiest wins.
I don't know about you, but how high can the Baloney, Cheese, and Egg Sandwich go?
8. Parking Chair Jousting
In this thrilling test of balance and determination, contestants compete in a makeshift jousting match using Pittsburgh's iconic parking chairs. Competitors must navigate a narrow alleyway while sitting on a rolling chair, wielding pool noodles as lances. Points are awarded for style, distance, and chair stability.
9. Dalanie DiSabato Portable Bathroom Mixed Martial Arts Competition
Don’t call that gal, Dalanie. Call her da 'Romper Stomper'. Dalanie DiSabato gained national fame for duking it out with a lady at a portable toilet at a Pittsburgh Morgan Wallen concert. Why not make this an Olympic event? Heck, the Portable Toilet is really just a smaller UFC cage right? Hmm. C'mon Olympic Committee. Make it happen.
10. The Fort Pitt Death Race
Welcome to the grand finale of the Pittsburgh Yinzer Olympics—the Fort Pitt Death Race! This event combines the chaos of Pittsburgh traffic with the treacherous twists and turns of the city's iconic Fort Pitt Tunnel. Only the bravest, or perhaps the most foolhardy, dare to compete in this ultimate test of endurance, patience, and pure Yinzer grit. Basically, how this event works is you have marathon runners simply run through the Ft. Pitt Tunnel at rush hour. However, lives, if anybody lives, rightly deserves Olympic Gold.
There You Have It: Da F'n Pittsburgh Yinzer Olympics!
The Pittsburgh Yinzer Olympics is a no-holds-barred, gritty celebration of the city's raw and authentic spirit. This offbeat event showcases uniquely Pittsburgh challenges, from Synchronized Beer Drinking and the chaos of the Mount Washington Bobsled to the intense Parking Chair Jousting and the unpredictable Fort Pitt Death Race. Each competition embraces the city's tough-as-nails attitude, turning everyday quirks into high-stakes games. The Yinzer Olympics isn't just fun and games—it's a test of survival skills and city pride. Now then, let's make this happen.
