PITTSBURGH, PA.—Cliff Epperson, help desk support plankton at UPMC, was tired of incrementally climbing the corporate ladder of the IT world, only to find he would be knocked down a few pegs at performance review time. In nearly 15-years, the lifelong Bellevue resident has never climbed out of the 30s—salary-wise or out of his parent's wood-paneled basement—despite boasting a robust 2.8 GPA from Slippery Rock University.
His dismal existence, seemed set in Massaro concrete. Epperson resigned himself to a rent free living with his Boomer parents, which did afford him sole access to the Pittsburgh toilet (next to his PlayStation). Still, he felt his Yinzer luck was all about to change.
One day he listened to a commercial on DVE, on his way to the “cube farm” which clamored, among many things, that to become a millionaire, one only had to “decide" to become a millionaire. That sound's easy right? Apparently, this magical, yet simple, personal decision was the real secret to Pittsburgh riches (that and plunking down money for a so-called free set of books).
Sadly, it did not work out that way for Epperson and he feels he may have a lawsuit on his hands. Since reading the books, How To Get Rich For Jagoffs, Epperson claims he has not made one iota more than he did before reading the books and still rows his oar at the PNC Bank slave ship despite deciding to be rich as the book instructed.
Initially, he thought about suing their asses with the help of Shenderovich, Shenderovich & Fishman, but then he realized he was not personally injured (just not that smart). So, he turned to Funny Newz N' At for help.
“Hey, can I sue these jerk-offs for false advertising,” he asked us sheepishly, fumbling for a bunch of pens that doubled-over his pocket protector. “I mean, their stupid radio advertisement specifically said that all I had to do, like countless others who became mega-rich, was simply decide to be that way… I was surprised the solution was that freaking easy.”
Here I thought you had to have deep pockets like a Bob Nutting or maybe own a Sheetz franchise n'at…” he continued, “I never realized that all I was missing was the ability to make one freaking decision and that I would be on my way to becoming rich… So, I did that. I did exactly what those jagoffs said I should do, and guess what: nothing happened. Now, I want to sue those bastards…”
Unfortunately, we advised him against that course of action. We explained to Epperson he probably had little ground to stand on legally and that his best recourse was to go back to work helping old ladies plug their mouse peripherals back in when they come unplugged or unconnected. For a second, he seemed to turn his frustration on Funny Newz, mostly as he watched me getting into my company-paid BMW.
“You look like you made a ton of money,” he said, miffed and bothered. “How did you do it?”
“Easy, ya jagoff,” I quipped. “The secret is never ‘settling for less.’”